Phoenix Rising Awarded “Most Influential Blogger” for 2013


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Madeline Scribes has nominated Ixchel at Phoenix Rising for The Most Influential Blogger Award of 2013. Thank you so much for the honor!!

The rules of this award are:

Display the award logo on your blog.
Link back to the person who nominated you.
Answer eleven questions.
Nominate (no limit on the number of nominations) other bloggers for this award and link back to them.
Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award requirements.

The eleven questions are:

1. What makes you happiest?

A. Being at the ocean.

2. Do you love the Oceans or Mountains more?

A. Ocean.

3. What has been a special moment in 2013?

A. Swimming at the magical pool with Vladimir the life guard.

4. What is your favorite quote?

A.“Be who you are and say what you mean. Because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Dr. Seuss

5. Do you like yourself?

A. Yes. How can you get through life without liking yourself?

6. Do you stay till midnight on New Year?

A. No. I like to go to bed by 10:00 p.m.

7. Something you wish could be done ASAP?

A. End Global Warming.

8. What was your favorite class when still at school?

A. English and Art.

9. What musical instrument have you tried to play?

A. Piano, trombone, guitar, flute, banjo.

10. Anything you had wished to have learned earlier?

A. That there are some people it’s better to avoid.

11. Do you like to do Crafts, Drawing or Painting?

A. Oil Painting.

My nominees are:

Paulette 1969:  http://paulette1969.wordpress.com/

Psychopathyawareesshttp://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/

The Project by Judy:  http://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/

Fall Risk:   http://michealwilliamsfallrisk.blogspot.com/

 

Psychopaths are Inconsistent and Contradictory


Psychopathyawareness's Blog

It’s very difficult to spot a psychopath from the beginning. Even the international expert on psychopathy, Dr. Robert Hare, admits that it often takes him up to six months to identify a psychopath. As we’ve seen from earlier posts, psychopaths are glib, superficial and excellent pathological liars. They look you in the eye and lie to your face. They make up stories on the spot, with no second thoughts and no regrets. They manipulate other people into covering for them. They put up an excellent front: the mask of sanity. Underneath that mask, lurks a dangerous psychological world, filled with deception, manipulation, sexual deviance and predatory intent. How can you tell then when you’ve been targeted by a social predator? The answer is, only time will tell.

Why? Because psychopaths are unable to be consistent over extended periods of time. In time, they will forget…

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You Can’t “Fix” a Psychopath


Hammer and nails by Hans Godo Frabel

Image via Wikipedia

Codependents take note: You can’t fix a psychopath; you can’t fix a sociopath. You can’t fix a narcissist. You can’t fix anyone with cluster  B personality disorder for the following reasons:

Those with antisocial personality disorders (psychopaths are a sub category of ASPD, there is strong evidence they were born that way. Front lobe differences. Communication differences within the brain.

For narcissists, either they were born that way or their condition is a result of childhood neglect or abuse. In essence, their brains were warped as young child. They are so ego centric and needy due to this abuse or neglect that they put themselves first. They cannot stop doing this.

No matter how patient you are with them, no matter how good you are or how much you love them, they will not change for you. They will not change because they cannot change.

Unlike other forms of mental illness, cluster B types can’t get ‘better’ with medication. There is no medication for narcissism, psychopathy or sociopathy.

The only type of therapy available is talk therapy which is next to useless because

a) Type B personality disorders won’t seek help on their own because part of their symptoms are that they believe there is nothing wrong with them, and it is everyone elses fault.

b) Generally, they only wind up in therapy because they are forced to do so, by court of law or desperate spouse.

c) While in therapy, they will utilize their same manipulative, pathological lying behavior to make themselves appear flawless.

d) They will skip out on therapy the second they are no longer being forced to go.

Recovering from a Psychopath- Recommended Reading


Cover of "Without Conscience: The Disturb...

Cover via Amazon

While web surfing for recommended reading on the topic of recovering from a relationship with a psychopath, I came across an interesting website, Flashlight Worthy. Flashlight Worthy is a nonprofit site, which offers book lists by very specific topics, ha nd picked by an expert in that particular field.

“The Best Books to Understand and Recover From a Psychopath (http://www.flashlightworthybooks.com/Best-Books-Understand-Recover-Psychopath/413) was compiled by Barbara Bentley, a victims’ advocate in California. 

More information about Barbara Bentley may be found at her website, A Dance With the Devil (http://www.adancewiththedevil.com/). Her memoir is titled, A Dance With the Devil: A True Story of Marriage to a Psychopath.

For complete descriptions of the books listed below, visit ‘The Best Books to Understand and Recover From a Psychopath’ at Flashlight Worthy (http://www.flashlightworthybooks.com/Best-Books-Understand-Recover-Psychopath/413)

1. Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us by Robert D. Hare

2. Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work, by Paul Babiak and Robert D. Hare

3. The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout

4. How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved, by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

5. Women Who Love Psychopaths, by Lianne J. Leedom, M.D. and Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

6. Recovery of Your Inner Child: The Highly Acclaimed Method for Liberating Your Inner Self, by Lucia Cappacchione

7. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, by Melody Beattie

8. Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time, by Melody Beattie

9. Codependents’ Guide to the 12 Steps, by Melody Beattie

10. The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today’s Generation, by Melody Beattie

11. Bradshaw on the Family: A Revolutionary Way of Self Discovery, by John Bradshaw

12. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond, by Patricia Evans

13. Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand and Deal With People Who Try to Control You, by Patricia Evans

Namaste,

Ixchel

The narcissist – my nemesis


My Health Quest

Yes, the narcissist is my nemesis. I get mesmerized by such a person …well, I should specify that now, I still attract “male” narcissists even though I have eliminated ‘friend’ narcissists from my life. If a narcissistic man shows me any amount of attention, I ‘fall’….immediately. I lose all sense of logic and control and believe, unconsciously, that he is ‘real’.

My mother is a narcissist, so I was raised by one. That’s why I’ve spent my whole life loving them and losing myself to get them to love me…to no avail. I will fight for the rest of my days to stay away from them, especially in regards to relationships. I married one, and recently, another narcissist , who I met over a year ago, has been ‘sniffing around’…and I almost got totally caught up in him.

So, what is a narcissist? According to Wikipedia, NARCISSISM is…

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Forgiving Narcissists,Psychopaths and the Mentally Ill


Forgiveness Mandala by Wayne Stratz

Forgiveness Mandala by Wayne Stratz (Photo credit: Nutmeg Designs)

21Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? 22Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”  (Matthew 18 KJV)

How many of you were raised Christian? My family was Catholic. We did not  attend mass not every week, but I went to Sunday school for several years. I was a bright child who enjoyed learning and absorbed all of the main lessons from the bible, Sunday school, and the Davey and Goliath television show we watched on Sunday mornings.

I learned that forgiveness, then, was a command straight from Jesus Christ. Forgiveness was part of the moral code of the Christian faith. In order to live our lives correctly, we must forgive as a practice in response to any wrong done to us.

And, so, I have spent my adult life practicing the basic tenets of the Christian faith. I try not to judge others, I do what I can to feed and clothe the poor and I “forgive those who trespass against me.”

OK, so what happens when you run into a situation where you can’t forgive? When someone trespasses against you deliberately and with such dire consequences that the very concept of forgiveness flies right out the window? Then, what are your options?

I spent my life forgiving others their trespasses and I even forgave my first husband for having abandoned me and our daughter so that he could pursue a life of drug dealing. I thought to myself “Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he does.”

However, as this turns out, he knew exactly what he was doing. A narcissistic psychopath, he was not ‘led astray by a bad crowd’ (the fairy tale I told myself for the next twenty years in order to not blame him.) No, he chose his friends, his lifestyle, his activities.

At any rate, forgiving him turned out to be a very bad thing, because it allowed him access into our lives to do more damage. How many others out there have experienced that? Have you forgiven the narcissist, the sociopath, or the psychopath only to leave yourself open  for him to hurt you and mess up your life again?

There is no point where he will be grateful for your forgiveness. Whether or not you forgive him simply means, to him, whether or not the door is open so that he can access your life again, in whatever way suits him.

So lack of forgiveness is actually self-protection? Yes.

Wow. So, then the gospel of Christ was completely wrong, wasn’t it? Well, perhaps Christ had never met a Cluster B personality. I’m ready to give him the benefit of the doubt. ‘Cause, If you haven’t met one, then you’ll never believe what dealing with one is like.

So yes, when it comes to Cluster B personality types, forgiveness is exactly the wrong thing to do.

Let me be clear: If you feel in your heart that you can forgive this person in a way that brings you peace and closure, and does NOT let him back into your life, all the power to you.

However, for me, this is not the case. I cannot forgive what he did to me, which I have described at length earlier in this blog. The lies, the deception, the cheating ,the devaluing, the discarding, the time he stole and how mixed up it made me at the end and how long it took to get back on my feet afterwards… No I cannot forgive the train wreck he created in my life for no reason other than to enjoy himself at my expense in a superficial sexual relationship which he convinced me was a loving, caring committed one.

However, I did choose to forgive my bipolar mother on her deathbed for a childhood of physical and emotional abuse, and the experience was spiritually uplifting for both of us. I believe she died in peace because of my forgiveness, and I feel good about my relationship with my mother because of that death-bed scene, where I had the power to forgive and acted upon it.

The difference is in the diagnosis. I watched my mother struggle with her mental illness her whole life. Being bipolar made her miserable. It drove the people in her family away from her. It prevented her from ever having a successful romantic relationship.

I saw her trying. I watched her take medication and go to therapists, psychiatrists. When I was a very young child, I remember her trying very hard in between her depressive stages to do wholesome activities with me. In between lying in bed for days she would decorate easter eggs, teach me to bake cakes, make homemade stuffing, plant a garden, etc.

She was someone who struggled with being mentally ill and who did her best. When she lost her cool and slapped me, at the time I hated her, but looking back and seeing how much stress she was under, I can appreciate how much restraint went into only slapping me once.

On the other hand, my ex, the psychopath,  lived his whole life avoiding responsibilities, both moral and financial, so that he could pursue his chosen path, of dealing drugs, doing drugs, drinking and hanging out with others like him. He has spent his entire adult life in criminal activities and either ignoring, mistreating, abandoning or lying to his family members. There is no conflict inside him, as there was in my mother. In addition, he has been perfectly happy living his life this way. He has not suffered from it because he enjoys being the way he is.

Perhaps it is true that he was born a psychopath, and cannot help the way he behaves, , but I cannot forgive the cold calculating ego inside him which caused so much damage in my life and in our daughter’s life, not only once, but twice.

He has always put  himself first, which was never the case with my mother. She was extremely loyal.  She was loyal to family and friends. After she died many of her friends told me stories of how selflessly she had come to their aid over the years, in some cases many times. If any of her friends or family needed anything, she’d be there.

So, my ability to forgive my mentally ill mother but not my mentally ill ex husband is based on intent. My mother always intended and tried to do better. My ex husband always intended to immerse himself in criminality and degenerate companionship. He has never tried to live a better life, he has never tried to make up for his lack of responsibility.

That’s the line I drew in the sand on forgiving the mentally ill who harm us. Where and how do you draw yours?

Namaste,

Ixchel